When a good  friend suggested I take part in James Hall's naked project my first reaction was 'No way!'

But I then felt  irritated with myself ... like I'd let myself down ... been a little cowardly.

Which brought me to have an interesting conversation with myself.

Why should I expose myself? Was this vanity, exhibitionism?

Was it cathartic? Was I not recognising the importance of being private?

And so I went on ... ad nauseum. 

I then I got completely tired of myself and wrote to James and said 'I'll do it!'

But then immediately set to  pondering again.

Why was I doing this?!

I neither love or hate my body.  Though I am more at home with it now than I have ever been.

I've struggled with confidence and self image most of my life as many women do ... up and down.

I had a mastectomy after a breast cancer diagnosis seven years ago.

It was a devastating experience. A total deconstruction but also at the end a better rearranging of self.

It took 5 years to get to a successful reconstruction and for many of those years I found it difficult to look at myself. Maybe this is what it comes down to. Accepting my new body with its scars.

And looking after the me that has always had so many doubts in terms of my body being not good enough!

Ha ..Good enough for what?!

In the end I  decided that the decision to do the photo shoot shouldn't come out of thinking at all but simply the question - How does my body feel about this? 

Am I leaning towards or away from this experience?

So my body became my barometer. 

Leaning towards felt proud, daring, free ... leaning away felt tired, small, scared.

Neither right nor wrong just where I am now and that was enough.

After the experience I waited for a profound feeling and there was none.

Other than ..

Its just a body.

I rather like that as a conclusion

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